Theo

There have been far too many endings lately.

That trail up by the dams—a steep, winding kilometre uphill to the rocky vantage point overlooking Hayward Lake and all the way south beyond the wide Fraser River into rural America. That trail was one he particularly loved. Not for the views, since dog eyes are not made for grand vistas, but for the climb, the steady pace through the silent forest, over wet mulch and slick roots, beside fallen logs, waxy green salal, fragile trillium, ears and muzzle alert for black bear or cougar. How many times did we walk that route together? All those times.

Rain, sleet, heat, those dull-echo grey days of no weather, of no weather at all. The turned ankle times. The pissing on everything that smells of other dog times. The stone in the shoe times. The wariness of fresh, steaming bear scat times. The bug-cloud sweat-feast times. The hot, dusty berry times. The bright, shining times.

But that one time. That one time I thought I'd lost him. Turned out it wouldn't be the last, for this infuriating Houdini of dogs. And now… well, I have lost him in the end, after all. As we always do. But that one day… Here I must admit to a wilderness faux pas, a backcountry indiscretion: I would let him slip his leash. I know, I know. Admonish me, all you Sierra Club acolytes. Scold me for my sinful self-centredness. I offer nothing by way of excuse. Except that his uninhibited joy was infectious, rendered me irresponsible.

We began on the easy, flat stretch between the parking lot and the true trailhead, parallel to the road. Reaching that trailhead, beginning to climb, lost in thought, it took me a little too long to realize he was gone. I called his name. Quietly at first. Theo. A good name. A god name. The silence of the forest was an implacable judge of my negligence. I called him again. He wasn't there, I knew it. Alarmed now, I left the trail, bushwhacked for a while, but I knew he was not in this part of the woods, could sense his unpresence. I couldn't continue to climb, there was almost no chance he was ahead of me. Or, wait? Had I missed him as he passed me? Stealth was not foreign to this dog. It was possible. Indecision; we welcome it, sometimes, when we wish to abdicate. And there comes a time when we all wish to abdicate. Eventually, I called it—go back, he's behind you—so I retraced my steps; perhaps, limping behind me on the trail, he was hurt. I made it to the road, searched anxiously for blood or fur on this grey tarmac curve of a route that saw more than its share of gravel trucks and logging trucks. Nothing. I crossed and reentered the forest, heading back toward the place where I'd left the car, in a patch of sunlight, in a silent parking lot. Starting to rehearse what I was going to tell my young child about how I'd lost our dog in the woods, my shamed heart dull as a cracked bell in my numb chest, the stirrings of grief chasing mere worry away.

And then I heard it. A keening that sounded like the earth's last coyote, an abandoned, wild sound. A banshee wail. Lost. But ahead of me. I walked faster, breaking into a partial jog, hiking boots a carthorse hindrance, my backpack bobbing ungainly in my wake like an outgrowth of guilt. And I burst from the forest into the parking lot and he was there, was always there, of course he was there, you don't lose dogs in the forest, sitting beside my car and howling like a tiny rusted wolf, first seeing me and hesitantly approaching, head cocked, then ecstatically greeting my equally euphoric hands as I petted him all over his writhing body, a dance of unbridled love, two pack members reunited.

There were other moments. Always, we remember the extremes. The losing fight with a raccoon, halfway up the fence. An outraged shriek and eight stitches. Successfully seeing off a black bear, its dark hindquarters scrambling for purchase on a swaying fence. More magical escapes from the yard. A night in jail. Almost hidden, a tawny back forging trenches in one December's abundance of snow. Another losing argument with a bad tempered dog. A scar on his scalp. Walks, always walks. "Wow, he looks just like a fox!" Steadfast companion of an only child. Beloved, sweet, self-contained. Cool, in fact. Not a canine word, perhaps, but apt here.

Listen: they come into your world trusting you, curled small enough for a palm, dark almond eyes blameless and mostly devoid of all that makes being human so utterly painful, and then they leave your world with that same heartbreaking trust in those same eyes, now bedimmed yet still encompassing you. In his case, held fast on a sterile table, a hypodermic pushed into a vein in his right foreleg, an overdose of anesthetic, his bereft, inconsolable pack close by, holding him, offering their warmth and their smell, those quiet, tolerant eyes watching, watching, three or four almost-panic-breaths, two, three, four, five, then stillness forever, that once-proud and silly head brought low, now cannonball-weighty on muscles slackened to damp string by life's hasty retreat. And his small body, somehow smaller now than it ever was in life, cooling so fast it makes my own breath catch and hitch, not knowing whether to exhale or inhale, caught on the cusp of all grieving breaths ever taken in this world, ever to be taken.

He's on that trail now, somewhere in my memory or in the impossible world, my little golden friend, and he's trying to get back to that ticking car on that quiet patch of black asphalt. Maybe an owl swoops over him, or he hears the harsh cries of ravens far above in the tops of cedars, or a snake glides by in the green untidy detritus of the rainforest beside the trail and he thinks briefly of investigating. But his ears twitch and he is avid with the rawness of it all, is smelling the youth and the age of the world at once, absorbing the joyous tragedy of everything that ever mattered, as he runs, knowing he will soon see me come striding down that leafy, rocky path, my face a picture of consternation, and he will cock his head then bound like a small deer and finally stop his infernal howling when he knows for sure that love's come back, however briefly, to visit awhile once more.

Comments

[Jacqueline Hopkins]

Beautiful tribute, David. My thoughts are with you with tears in my eyes as well. So sad when you lose someone, human or otherwise.

[David Antrobus]

Thanks to Steve, Vickie and Jacqueline (and of course, everyone else who commented) for helping to honour a blameless, fifteen-year life. Between the post and the wonderful comments, I think we've done him proud. :)

[Edward Lorn]

Yeah, tears. I wasn't expecting those cunning, sneaky visitors to go rappelling down my cheeks.

Hearts that have lost, are hearts that cost, and will not barter but for equal value.

I feel your pain, brother.

E.